December 23, 2013

Dream of a young horse learning a lesson, and I am learning with him, because I am there with him, inside his perspective, experiencing the myriad of feelings as they come through. He was running fearlessly, and slid down an icy mountain slope, and was just clinging to the edge of a cliff, with his front legs and hooves digging into the snowy ledge. He had to wrestle for a while before finally being able to hoist himself back up on the ledge… What was below? Maybe the fall wasn’t really the danger, but rather the fear of falling itself… Next dream: I am sitting on a riverside with a new mother, a very nature-hippy person in raggedy clothes. I ask? to hold the baby and she hands him over to me, and we just sit there chatting (can’t remember about what) for a long while. Eventually she takes him back. Next I am at a farmer’s market, and usually it’s pretty quiet, but I see tons of people coming in and setting up their booths. It’s gonna be a huge one! I’m super excited. I’m in a long canvas tent, open on the sides, and remember I have some jewelry in the car, and think, oh hey, I’ll go get it and set up my own booth! I make my way through to my truck, and some people are all ready to go, and are in front of their booths promoting their items. One guy has beautiful homemade cheeses, and I make a mental note to come back to him. I finally make it to my truck, and have to move it for reasons which don't make sense now. I do it, but then see I am wedged in behind another truck, a big red one. I figure it’ll be okay, and I can get out after they leave. I reach over for my bag of jewelry, and inside I just see a few pendants, and I say to myself that it’s not enough for a table…

December 22, 2013

Dream of driving down a rural road between towns with my young daughter. She is about 4 or 5 years old. Something about the sky catches my eye and looking up at it, I see a swirling ceiling of dark clouds, stretching from both directions as far as the eye can see, above the clear golden horizon. A point forms in the middle of my field of vision, and as the point pulls down further towards the earth, I realize I am witnessing the formation of a tornado. In all the pictures and videos I’ve seen growing up, I’ve never seen such a massive tornado; the entire storm system is being funneled down into this one funnel, forming a black upside down triangle against the bright yellow sky. I feel the ominosity and urgency to get to shelter immediately, and within moments of driving south we reach the edge of a small town. My dad appears and leads us to good hiding places. He goes into one, but it isn’t big enough for us. Holding my daughter’s hand, I pull her into a concrete spiral stairwell across the road from where my dad is. We sit there and wait, listening. There isn’t much to hear, just a feeling of heavy motion pressing down on us. Then all feels light again. I look at my phone, and on the screen I have a radar map; it shows a dot where the point of the cyclone is touching the earth, and I see that it has moved just past us. I know we’re safe to come out now.

December 20, 2013

I dream that my grandmother and I are on a long road-trip together, but it feels like we are heading home now, going north. It’s very late in the night. We are thinking about whether we should drive on through the night, but I really feel like stopping; more because I want to draw the trip out longer, and see more sights. From the passenger seat window I look out and see many smallish, bright red houses, all lit up warmly with white string lights underneath big homestead trees. I think, “What are the chances that this is an inn…” then my eyes make it to a sign and the words The ____ ____ Inn (Quiet Homestead?) (Little Red Homestead?) come out of the blur of letters. I convince her to stop here for the night. Inside, the scene becomes different. My grandmother is no longer there. Instead there is a somewhat large group of friends, and a few others whom I don’t know. My friend ______ is there, somehow I know it is him, but I don’t actually see him, because he’s having very loud sex with an unknown person in the adjoining room, and they seem to be synchronizing their act with a movie soundtrack playing loudly in their room. After they’re done, they come out and the night progresses on with everyone just hanging out. ______’s girlfriend asks us to change the channel on the TV so they can watch the movie they were just playing in their room. Others in the room acquiesce, but I speak out, feeling offended and weirded-out that they want to bridge their private life into our lives. I say, “I really don’t feel comfortable watching the movie you were just having sex to.” They turn it back to a football game, and I am grateful. ______’s girlfriend, a very young and pretty girl, with a kind of “valley-girl” way of speaking, comes over to my side, and we talk to each other about nothing in particular, and she says, “I really do want to finish that movie, though. I think it was really interesting.” I am about to say “If you must,” but then a realization comes to me, and I say, “Was it really interesting, or did you just have the hots for the lead guy?” She laughed, and said, “I think you might be right…”

December 18, 2013

Dream that I’m getting ready for a dance with my friend ------- from high school. She is lying on a couch, not putting much effort into getting ready, like she might just go as is. I am going all out, with a beautiful dress, hair straightened and curled, and am doing my makeup. My feeling is like this might be my last event like this, so go all out. I decide I need some better makeup, so I go to a really high-end store. It is devoted to skin products, and is all soft light and greens. In one section of shelves, or maybe it was drawers?, I see endless colors of eye shadow, the most beautiful colors I’ve ever seen, natural crushed minerals with a slight sparkle to them. They’re all in round crystal tubs. I see one in particular which I fall in love with, a deep rust/burgundy. The people working there wear lab coats; and as I’m walking around, one of them is a man who looks like a TV actor, one who I’ve always been attracted to. I suddenly just want him, and the dance feels trivial. I talk to him in my most sultry voice, my eyes looking up at him through my lashes, as I wind around the pillars and product columns. I say something very clear, like “Wouldn’t you just like to have sex with me instead?” He is following me and says, “Yes, but I (am supposed to be working)” but I see he is walking with me towards a door in the northeast corner of the store. I open the door into a very small, low-ceilinged room, which is comfortable, beautiful, clean, and has a low bed against the far wall that takes up the whole end of the small room, draped in soft sheets. There are a couple steps to descend fully into the room. He still is outside the door, and I sit on the bed and start undressing. When naked, I get into the bed and pull the sheets around me to frame my body. I am so hot and ready and hungry for him. I see the shadow of him taking his clothes off in the crack of the light under the door. Finally the door opens and it’s not him! It’s a woman. An older woman with dark red hair, taller than me. Inside it feels like a bucket of lukewarm water was poured down my belly. I think ok, what am I going to do… and I still have the aching need between my legs, and also I feel bad to have to tell her no now that she is here and ready. I picture just letting her do what she will with me, but I close my eyes and the dream changes In the same night, another dream is of me giving birth again. I am on a huge bed, my head tilted up, and the bed is on a platform in the middle of an otherwise empty, slate gray room, which feels like it is made of stone. A stark white light shines on the bed. The viewpoint switches back and forth between 1st perspective and a view from the perimeter of the room, circling the bed. I feel the pressure, though not the pain, and I begin pushing. The birth comes easily, and I reach down and cradle the baby in my arms, holding it blood-covered, slippery body to my heart. I don’t want it to feel the cold darkness of the room; I can’t imagine a transition that would be more of a shock, from the warm wet softness to a cold damp stone.

December 17, 2013

I am outside a large building; it feels like a college hall/dormitory. I look up at a window up a few stories and start climbing up the wall, and, seeing the room is empty, into the room. I then sneak out of that room into another room. I go on exploring, going from one room to another. There is a room which is like a huge conference room, decked out in dark, age-old wood, holding the feelings one would expect to feel in the hall of King Arthur’s Round Table. Some rooms open out into hallways, some just open up into another room. It is such a strange maze of doors. I am lucky to never get caught, for most rooms are empty, and in the ones’ which aren’t, I fortuitously enter the rooms at the perfect moment, and no one sees me. Until the final room, where I stop because it is just a tiny dorm room with two guys living in it. They see me, I’m caught. I smile and they smile back, knowingly. Without a moment’s thought or question, we begin caressing each other, and the dream turns into a sexual exploration between three strangers, a daze of intimacy where no real detail comes forward, and is just a lingering impression of casual joy and comfort.

December 16, 2013

I am in a makeshift hospital, the kind you imagine in a war zone, or in a third-world country. Around me is soft light radiating from the walls of the canvas tent. I feel just warm, calm, and protected, even though those around me seem to be concerned, fearful. I am pregnant, about to give birth, reclining in a bed up off the ground, swaddled cozily in white sheets. There is no one else there except nameless faces of the few doctors or nurses who come in to tend to me. I realize the moment has come, and I can feel the baby coming thru me.. I feel no pain at all; in fact, it feels really nice, like a long-awaited release. I give a push, and the next moment the child is out, and the nurse/doctor/my attendant says, “Oh, it’s already all done.” Then he/she swaddles him quickly and hands him to me. At first touch, I feel so completely overtaken with the enormity of preciousness in the small bundle of new life… I feel like I must devote every bit of my awareness and learning and ability to be able to make good on it’s choice to have me for a mother. The nurse puts the baby in my arms, and for a moment I awkwardly hug him to me, his relaxed body being so supple and floppy. But then I remember how to hold a baby… like a memory of motion returning.